NFL Week 14 Picks

No picks again last week. Ran out of time/forgot again. Why? I blame the children.

Two weeks ago: 12-4, Season cumulative: 83-48, Season average: 9-5

(Winners in bold)

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Shitsburgh, unfortunately, will win due to the Browns playing like poo. A truly fecal theme to this one.

Kansas City at NY Jets
Look out now...Rex is on a roll! The AFC East ain’t over yet!*
*Yes, it is.

Tampa Bay at Jacksonville
The battle of two of the rubbishest (adj. -  to be crap) teams in the NFL! Who will win?! Who cares?!

New England at Washington
You know how there’s no such thing as a dead cert in professional sports? That’s bullshit.

Atlanta at Carolina
Cam. Fucking. Newton.

Indianapolis at Baltimore
“You know how there’s no such thing as a dead cert in professional sports? That’s bullshit.” 2! Electric Boogaloo!

Philadelphia at Miami
Apparently, 1) Miami aren’t as shite as everyone thought at the beginning of the season and 2) The Eagles are worse than everyone thought at the beginning of the season.

Minnesota at Detroit
Look for the Lions to halt the skid here. Minnesota = inept.

New Orleans at Tennessee
...and then Brees was all like, “Rodgers? Man, fuck that dude. I’m like waaay better than that fucker! Watch me throw for, like a kajillion yards and a frillion TDs against Detroit!” And then everyone was all like, “Y’know Stafford will throw for more yards that game, right?” And then Brees was all like, “Man, fuck y’all. And Rodgers. Fuck him, too. Again.”

Houston at Cincinnati
Even with a third-string QB, we’re the greatest team in the history of the NFL, American Football as a game and professional sports as a whole.

Chicago at Denver
Just...can’t...pick...Tebow....to win. Just...can’t....!

San Francisco at Arizona
The 49ers have already won their division and the Cards are on a streak.

Buffalo at San Diego
Buffalo are in freefall and the Rivers actually started to play like Rivers last week.

Oakland at Green Bay
*sigh, shakes head* They’re STILL overrated.

NY Giants at Dallas
Eli and Hakeem will take last week’s unlucky loss out on the Cowgirls, fo’ sho’.

St. Louis at Seattle
Enjoy one more loss before you relocate to LA, y’all!

I'd rather take Archie, at this point...

A perfect summary of the Washington Redskins in 2011:

"I take my fan loyalty seriously, but the worthless Washington Redskins are pushing my F-ing limits. I am not about to jump ship, but I am also becoming increasingly convinced I will never get to root for a winner. I can see exactly what is going to happen to the Redskins over the next six months. We will finish the year 4-12 or 5-11 good enough for the 5th-10th pick. Indianapolis is going 0-16 and will get the number one pick. They will Draft Andrew Luck and put Peyton on the trading block. Hearing that he has the chance to grab a upper 30s QB who has had three neck surgeries in two years, Dan Snyder will immediately offer three first-round draft picks, two second rounders and Brian Orakpo for Peyton. Followed closely by Peyton only playing part of next season, getting hurt and then retiring. Leaving the Redskins with NO good draft picks for three years and a $90 million contract that we will of course agree to pay all of. FUCK MY LIFE! This is bullshit.
— Brian O., Washington"

(via Grantland. Original post here)

NFL Week 9 Picks

Had no time/forgot to do picks last weekend. Was in the pub watching Tottenham v QPR before the opening game (Vikes/Carolina) and didn’t remember ‘til mid-way through the second quarter!

ANYway...

Two weeks ago: 9-4, Season cumulative: 51-36, Season average: 9-6

(Winners in bold)

Miami at Kansas City
Could Miami get any worse? Probably not. Reggie is keeping up the fine tradition of all people with the last name of “Bush” being a total waste of space. Also, KC are showing signs of life after a dismal start to this campaign

Atlanta at Indianapolis
No reason to think the Colts will get their first win this week

Tampa Bay at New Orleans
After an explicable loss last week to the up-to-then-winless Rams, look for the Saints to bounce back and beat a crappy Tampa Bay team whose 4-3 record belies their general ineptitude

NY Jets at Buffalo
Big, big game for the Jets. If they can beat this year’s surprise package (along with the 49ers), their playoff hopes should be on the right track

Seattle at Dallas
Is picking Seattle considered controversial? I don’t think it is

Cleveland at Houston
Though my policy is to never pick the Texans to lose, I love it during weeks when I know they won’t

San Francisco at Washington
Ha ha! Still laughing at the fact that Grossman got benched! Also, Frank Gore is a BEAST this year

Cincinnati at Tennessee
Biggest “I don’t care what happens” game of the week. Um, Cincinnati look pretty good this year and, as a former Houston Oilers fan, I hate the Titans

Denver at Oakland
Is it wrong to hope that the notoriously-violent Raiders beat up on that evangelist, Tebow?

NY Giants at New England
Hmmm, both teams are 5-2, NY are on a win streak, but the Pats just lost...but the Pats are at home and Eli is notoriously inconsistent. Tough call. Am going with Brady’s hair

St. Louis at Arizona
C’mon, Cards!! I pick you every week and almost every week you let me down! Kolb and Fitzgerald, do your effing jobs!

Green Bay at San Diego
Looking for Green Bay’s first loss? Look no further

Baltimore at Pittsburgh
One of my favorite teams against the date rapist. Look for the Ravens, and Rice in particular, to beat up on the Steelers just like they did in week one

Chicago at Philadelphia
Despite their records (4-3 and 3-4, respectively), Chicago haven’t truly impressed this season, while Philly have flattered to deceive. Look for McCoy and Jackson to have big games

NFL Week 7 Picks

Last week: 9-4, Season cumulative: 42-32, Season average: 8-6

(Winners in bold)

Running late...on the way to Wembley for the Bears/Bucs!! No time for commentary...

San Diego at NY Jets
Chicago at Tampa Bay
Washington at Carolina
Atlanta at Detroit
Seattle at Cleveland
Denver at Miami
Houston at Tennessee
Kansas City at Oakland
Pittsburgh at Arizona
Green Bay at Minnesota
St. Louis at Dallas
Indianapolis at New Orleans
Baltimore at Jacksonville

NFL Week 5 Picks

Last week: 10-6, Season cumulative: 27-21, Season average: 9-7

(Winners in bold)

Tennessee at Pittsburgh
So the Titans were supposed to suck this year and Pitt got to last year’s Super Bowl. Also, all the experts are picking the Steelers. I say look at the way Ray Rice ran all over them in week 1. A big week for Chris Johnson.

Seattle at NY Giants
Duh.

Cincinnati at Jacksonville
I thinks the Jags suck marginally more than Cincy.

New Orleans at Carolina
I’m calling it...upset! Plus, I have a man-crush on Cam Newton.

Oakland at Houston
With AJ out injured, this will be the battle of possibly the two best running games in the NFL. McFadden vs. Foster/Tate. Houston will take this, though, owing to the fact that the loss of AJ aside, Owen Daniels owns.

Philadelphia at Buffalo
I have a feeling Philly will bounce back from last week’s surprise defeat to conquer a Bills team that’s apparently not quite as good as we thought...

Kansas City at Indianapolis
Tough call. On the other hand, it’s the Chiefs vs. a Peyton-less Colts, so really, who gives a shit? I’ll go with home-field advantage.

Arizona at Minnesota
I keep picking the Cards each week and they keep disappointing me each week. However, Minnesota lost to the Chiefs (the effing CHIEFS!!) last week so they must suck hard. Fitzgerald to get a squillion TDs.

Tampa Bay at San Francisco
I’m going with the 49ers because TB aren’t anywhere near as good as their 3-1 record suggests. Also, because i can’t believe Freeman is a starting QB in the NFL.

NY Jets at New England
Damn, Jets!! Why do you have to suck? Sanchez is among the worst QBs in the league this season and the defeat to the Bills notwithstanding, New England looks pretty lethal.

San Diego at Denver
John Fox’s refusal to start Billy Graham combined with a predictably strong Chargers equals another loss for Denver.

Green Bay at Atlanta
I mean, I guess I gotta pick the Pack, right? Uh, right?!

Chicago at Detroit
I LOVE the fact that Detroit are kicking ass this season. last week’s comeback win against the shitheads shows they have character as well as talent. Stafford still looks like a 12-year-old, though.

Me laugh at this

NFL Week 4 Picks

Last week: 8-8, Season cumulative: 17-15, Season average: 9-7

(Winners in bold)

Detroit at Dallas
I am seriously in the tank for the Lions this season. Oh, and Romo sucks, of course.

Carolina at Chicago
Completely going against the experts, my “controversial” pick this week is the Panthers. But really, with the awesomeness that is Cam Newton and a weak Chicago o-line, is this really controversial?

Buffalo at Cincinnati
It’s good to see Buffalo winning again. What is this, the mid-90s??!!

Tennessee at Cleveland
This is a tough game to call between two 2-1 teams. Chris Johnson’s so-far-underhwleming season, though, makes me go for the Browns. Just.

Minnesota at Kansas City
Peterson to rush for between 150-200 yards.

Washington at St. Louis
I’m liking the new Rex Grossman this season.

New Orleans at Jacksonville
Though they beat my beloved Texans last week, I still like the Saints and I like them even more to beat a poor Jaguars team.

Pittsburgh at Houston
I will never pick the Texans to lose. Ever. I mean, ever.

San Francisco at Philadelphia
Another tough call, due to the dog-torturer’s injuries and a resurgent 49ers. The explosive McCoy and the 49ers’ less-than-stellar offense, though, make me thing the Eagles will take this.

NY Giants at Arizona
Yet another tough call. The Giants are on a roll and Arizona are only 2-1. Home-field advantage and the Kolb-Fitzgerald combination make me think the Cards will take this one.

Atlanta at Seattle
No question. Look for Ryan and White to have a big game.

Miami at San Diego
Another no-brainer. Even without Antonio Gates, the Chargers’ offense has been great so far this season with the Rivers/Matthews/Jackson triple-threat. Oh, and I always knew Reggie was overrated. Why must everyone named Bush be so useless?

New England at Oakland
Believe it or not, I think this one’s also a tough call. Home-field advantage, a much-improved team over last year’s and the best running game in the NFL mean Oakland will be no pushovers. Last week’s hiccup against the magical Bills notwithstanding, though, I think Brady & Co. will be just too strong.

Denver at Green Bay
Easy pick. The Packers’ passing O will be too strong for Denver. Also, though I think Orton’s a great QB and Tebow’s a religious nut, I think it’s time to give Tim a chance to start.

NY Jets at Baltimore
Really tough to call. The Jets have so many offensive weapons and a great D. The Ravens have the best D (built, coincidentally, by Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan when he was Baltimore’s defensive coach) and all of a sudden have an offense this year. I’m going with Baltimore purely because of home-field advantage.

Indianapolis at Tampa Bay
Just don’t think a Peyton-less Colts stand a chance against home-field advantage and a decent Buccaneers team.

NFL Week 2 Picks

(Winners in bold)


Kansas City at Detroit 

(the Lions' resurgence is underway...easy win)

Oakland at Buffalo 

(c'mon...they played the Chiefs last week; I could beat KC on my own)

Tampa Bay at Minnesota (McNabb's still got something left in the tank...for one more season, at least)

Chicago at New Orleans

(Brees & Co. will take their Week 1 injustice anger out on Chicago)

Baltimore at Tennessee 
(did you SEE the Ravens last week??!!)

Cleveland at Indianapolis 
(Peyton or no Peyton, the Colts will win this)

Jacksonville at NY Jets
(Darrelle Revis is the best player in the NFL. Discuss.)

Seattle at Pittsburgh 
(just what the Steelers needed after an unexpected Week 1 loss)

Arizona at Washington 
(if the Cards can beat a Newton-powered Carolina, they should kill the Redskins)

Green Bay at Carolina 
(controversial pick. I just have a feeling...)

Dallas at San Francisco 
(as a .500 QB, it's Romo's turn to have a good game)

San Diego at New England 
(battle of the QBs. Home field is why I'm going for NE)

Houston at Miami 
(no doubt.)

Cincinnati at Denver 
(Tebow sucks...he STILL can't start *shakes head*)

Philadelphia at Atlanta 
(the dog-torturer will win because good things happen to bad people in sports)

St. Louis at NY Giants 
(one of the few games NY will win this year)