Charlie Brooker, ultimate "The Wire" fan, presenter of, among other things, "How TV Ruined Your Life" and "The 10 O'Clock Show", and leading columnist for The Guardian (best newspaper in the UK) wrote the following article for today's Guardian about world-famous music stars performing for third-world despots for cash.
I blog about this, because CB is hugely funny and entertaining and the following passage is genius:
Another famous star who reportedly performed for the Gaddafis is notorious pussy 50 Cent, the crybaby pant-shitting wuss whom I could definitely have in a fight. (Did you know his real name is Fifi Millicent? Don't tell him I told you, because he's terribly sensitive about it, and weeps huge cowardly tears out of his gutless baby eyes whenever it's mentioned. Also, he was born a girl.)
Rest of the article below, original link here.
A huge source of frustration for any performing artist is that you can't choose your fans. And the more popular you get, the more likely it is you'll attract people you can't stand. Kurt Cobain so disliked the uncool non-underground types who began showing up at Nirvana gigs after the release of their debut album Bleach that he wrote the song In Bloom, which attacks an unnamed moronic jock type who dares to enjoy Nirvana's music: "He's the one who likes all our pretty songs," goes the chorus. "And he likes to sing along, and he likes to shoot his gun – but he knows not what it means."
Yeah! Take that, you mainstream douche bags! Feeling pretty stupid now, huh?
Well, no. They weren't. Partly because they knew not what it meant, but largely because Cobain foolishly gave the song a catchy melody, and then compounded this error by including it on an album of other catchy melodies called Nevermind, which became such a massive mainstream success that he never truly lived it down, at least in his own head. And it soon turned out the despised jock fan wasn't the only one prone to discharging the occasional firearm.
Still, if Cobain was tortured by the presence of the occasional macho numbskull at his gigs, imagine how awful he'd feel if he looked out and saw a member of the Gaddafi dynasty moshing to Smells Like Teen Spirit. Chances are he'd have beaten himself to death with his own guitar right there and then.
But many of the planet's current pop stars are clearly made of sterner stuff. They're so unconcerned about the suitability of their fans, they'll put on a private show for the Gaddafi clan at the drop of a hat. A hat full of money.
Now the blood's started flowing they're getting contrite about the whole thing. First Nelly Furtado outed herself, announcing on Twitter that in 2007 she'd been given $1m to perform for the Gaddafis, and was now donating the sum to charity.
Other stars who attended Gaddafi dynasty parties include Mariah Carey, Usher, Lionel Richie, and Jay-Z – who, thanks to the bad publicity, now has 100 problems.
Mr Z's wife, Beyoncé, reportedly received $2m to perform at a New Year party thrown by Hannibal Gaddafi, but subsequently gave the money to Haiti. "Once it became known that the third-party promoter was linked to the Gaddafi family, the decision was made to put that payment to a good cause," said her publicist. Fair enough. She probably didn't realise the Gaddafis were behind the bash, although her husband reportedly attended an identical party at the same venue the previous year – at which, it is claimed, Mariah Carey sang four songs in exchange for $1m. The Gaddafi link was exposed in the press at the time, but only in small-circulation newspapers such as the Sun, so it's fair to assume Beyoncé's advisers had no idea where the cash was coming from.
Libya would be a good growth market for Beyoncé, incidentally, as, thanks to the Gaddafi regime, it now contains far more Single Ladies than it used to.
Another famous star who reportedly performed for the Gaddafis is notorious pussy 50 Cent, the crybaby pant-shitting wuss whom I could definitely have in a fight. (Did you know his real name is Fifi Millicent? Don't tell him I told you, because he's terribly sensitive about it, and weeps huge cowardly tears out of his gutless baby eyes whenever it's mentioned. Also, he was born a girl.)
Fifi was paid an undisclosed sum to sing and dance like a fey little puppet in front of Mutassim Gaddafi at the 2005 Venice film festival. But while the other stars have been embarrassed by their (possibly unintentional) connection to a despotic regime, Fifi seems to have used his as the inspiration for a startlingly violent video game called 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand, released on the PS3 and Xbox 360 in 2009.
The game opens with Fifi Millicent performing a gig in an unnamed war-torn Middle Eastern country, in exchange for a $10m fee. When the mysterious promoter shows signs of not coughing up the money, Fifi and chums storm backstage, call him a "motherfucker" and shove a shotgun in his face. Terrified, he hands them a priceless Damien Hirst-style diamond-encrusted skull. Fiddy and co then bravely head for the airport in their armoured Hummers, only to be ambushed by armed insurgents. During the gunfire and confusion, a sexy woman appears from nowhere and steals the precious skull. "Bitch took my skull," whines Fifi, before embarking on an awesome odyssey of violence across the troubled Arabic nation, shooting and murdering anyone who gets in his way.
Who'd have thought someone like 50 Cent could lend his name to something so crass and stupid? It's almost as if he's an idiot. Still, perhaps openly embracing the despotic crossover in a video game is the way forward. How long before we see a game called Gaddafi Hero, in which you perform a series of upbeat numbers for Middle Eastern tyrants by pushing coloured buttons on a plastic guitar in time to the beat, while trying to drown out the nagging voice of your own conscience and the furious chants of the oppressed?
Suggested tracklisting: While My Qatar Gently Weeps; Gimme Gimme Gimme Oman After Midnight; Insane in the Bahrain; Here Comes Yemen; and 50 Ways To Libya Lover. Recommended retail price? $2m and counting.
Yeah! Take that, you mainstream douche bags! Feeling pretty stupid now, huh?
Well, no. They weren't. Partly because they knew not what it meant, but largely because Cobain foolishly gave the song a catchy melody, and then compounded this error by including it on an album of other catchy melodies called Nevermind, which became such a massive mainstream success that he never truly lived it down, at least in his own head. And it soon turned out the despised jock fan wasn't the only one prone to discharging the occasional firearm.
Still, if Cobain was tortured by the presence of the occasional macho numbskull at his gigs, imagine how awful he'd feel if he looked out and saw a member of the Gaddafi dynasty moshing to Smells Like Teen Spirit. Chances are he'd have beaten himself to death with his own guitar right there and then.
But many of the planet's current pop stars are clearly made of sterner stuff. They're so unconcerned about the suitability of their fans, they'll put on a private show for the Gaddafi clan at the drop of a hat. A hat full of money.
Now the blood's started flowing they're getting contrite about the whole thing. First Nelly Furtado outed herself, announcing on Twitter that in 2007 she'd been given $1m to perform for the Gaddafis, and was now donating the sum to charity.
Other stars who attended Gaddafi dynasty parties include Mariah Carey, Usher, Lionel Richie, and Jay-Z – who, thanks to the bad publicity, now has 100 problems.
Mr Z's wife, Beyoncé, reportedly received $2m to perform at a New Year party thrown by Hannibal Gaddafi, but subsequently gave the money to Haiti. "Once it became known that the third-party promoter was linked to the Gaddafi family, the decision was made to put that payment to a good cause," said her publicist. Fair enough. She probably didn't realise the Gaddafis were behind the bash, although her husband reportedly attended an identical party at the same venue the previous year – at which, it is claimed, Mariah Carey sang four songs in exchange for $1m. The Gaddafi link was exposed in the press at the time, but only in small-circulation newspapers such as the Sun, so it's fair to assume Beyoncé's advisers had no idea where the cash was coming from.
Libya would be a good growth market for Beyoncé, incidentally, as, thanks to the Gaddafi regime, it now contains far more Single Ladies than it used to.
Another famous star who reportedly performed for the Gaddafis is notorious pussy 50 Cent, the crybaby pant-shitting wuss whom I could definitely have in a fight. (Did you know his real name is Fifi Millicent? Don't tell him I told you, because he's terribly sensitive about it, and weeps huge cowardly tears out of his gutless baby eyes whenever it's mentioned. Also, he was born a girl.)
Fifi was paid an undisclosed sum to sing and dance like a fey little puppet in front of Mutassim Gaddafi at the 2005 Venice film festival. But while the other stars have been embarrassed by their (possibly unintentional) connection to a despotic regime, Fifi seems to have used his as the inspiration for a startlingly violent video game called 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand, released on the PS3 and Xbox 360 in 2009.
The game opens with Fifi Millicent performing a gig in an unnamed war-torn Middle Eastern country, in exchange for a $10m fee. When the mysterious promoter shows signs of not coughing up the money, Fifi and chums storm backstage, call him a "motherfucker" and shove a shotgun in his face. Terrified, he hands them a priceless Damien Hirst-style diamond-encrusted skull. Fiddy and co then bravely head for the airport in their armoured Hummers, only to be ambushed by armed insurgents. During the gunfire and confusion, a sexy woman appears from nowhere and steals the precious skull. "Bitch took my skull," whines Fifi, before embarking on an awesome odyssey of violence across the troubled Arabic nation, shooting and murdering anyone who gets in his way.
Who'd have thought someone like 50 Cent could lend his name to something so crass and stupid? It's almost as if he's an idiot. Still, perhaps openly embracing the despotic crossover in a video game is the way forward. How long before we see a game called Gaddafi Hero, in which you perform a series of upbeat numbers for Middle Eastern tyrants by pushing coloured buttons on a plastic guitar in time to the beat, while trying to drown out the nagging voice of your own conscience and the furious chants of the oppressed?
Suggested tracklisting: While My Qatar Gently Weeps; Gimme Gimme Gimme Oman After Midnight; Insane in the Bahrain; Here Comes Yemen; and 50 Ways To Libya Lover. Recommended retail price? $2m and counting.
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