11 Dec 2011

NFL Week 14 Picks

No picks again last week. Ran out of time/forgot again. Why? I blame the children.

Two weeks ago: 12-4, Season cumulative: 83-48, Season average: 9-5

(Winners in bold)

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Shitsburgh, unfortunately, will win due to the Browns playing like poo. A truly fecal theme to this one.

Kansas City at NY Jets
Look out now...Rex is on a roll! The AFC East ain’t over yet!*
*Yes, it is.

Tampa Bay at Jacksonville
The battle of two of the rubbishest (adj. -  to be crap) teams in the NFL! Who will win?! Who cares?!

New England at Washington
You know how there’s no such thing as a dead cert in professional sports? That’s bullshit.

Atlanta at Carolina
Cam. Fucking. Newton.

Indianapolis at Baltimore
You know how there’s no such thing as a dead cert in professional sports? That’s bullshit.” 2! Electric Boogaloo!

Philadelphia at Miami
Apparently, 1) Miami aren’t as shite as everyone thought at the beginning of the season and 2) The Eagles are worse than everyone thought at the beginning of the season.

Minnesota at Detroit
Look for the Lions to halt the skid here. Minnesota = inept.

New Orleans at Tennessee
...and then Brees was all like, “Rodgers? Man, fuck that dude. I’m like waaay better than that fucker! Watch me throw for, like a kajillion yards and a frillion TDs against Detroit!” And then everyone was all like, “Y’know Stafford will throw for more yards that game, right?” And then Brees was all like, “Man, fuck y’all. And Rodgers. Fuck him, too. Again.”

Houston at Cincinnati
Even with a third-string QB, we’re the greatest team in the history of the NFL, American Football as a game and professional sports as a whole.

Chicago at Denver
Just...can’t...pick...Tebow....to win. Just...can’t....!

San Francisco at Arizona
The 49ers have already won their division and the Cards are on a streak.

Buffalo at San Diego
Buffalo are in freefall and the Rivers actually started to play like Rivers last week.

Oakland at Green Bay
*sigh, shakes head* They’re STILL overrated.

NY Giants at Dallas
Eli and Hakeem will take last week’s unlucky loss out on the Cowgirls, fo’ sho’.

St. Louis at Seattle
Enjoy one more loss before you relocate to LA, y’all!

27 Nov 2011

NFL Week 12 Picks

Yes, I’m aware that the first three games have already happened. You’re gonna have to take my word for it that the below were my original picks.

Last week: 11-3, Season cumulative: 71-44, Season average: 9-5

(Winners in bold)

Green Bay at Detroit
Stafford and the Lions’ O are on fire. They will hand the overrated Packers their first loss.

Miami at Dallas
The Princess and the Cowgirls are on a bit of a streak, as are Miami. Home field takes it.

San Francisco at Baltimore
Possible the two meanest defenses in the NFL. Very tough call. I’m going for the Ravens. Just.

Houston at Jacksonville
So Schaub’s out. So what. Have you SEEN Foster and Tate’s numbers? Plus, AJ’s baaaack!

Buffalo at NY Jets
Look for the Jets to bounce back after last week’s surprise defeat.

Cleveland at Cincinnati
If you live in Ohio, I’m sure you’re excited for this one. Actually, you’re probably more excited about OSU than either of these teams.

Minnesota at Atlanta
The Vikes suck this year and AP (their only bright light this season) is out. No brainer.

Arizona at St. Louis
The Cards are on their way up! The Rams want (but won’t get) Luck, so, y’know, sucks to be a St. Louis fan right now.

Carolina at Indianapolis
Finally! A game that Carolina could and WILL win! The Colts are just looking to next season with Stanford’s star QB.

Tampa Bay at Tennessee
TB are on the wrong kind of streak and the Titans don’t look too bad this year...looks like gettng rid of Vince Young was indeed the best move.

Chicago at Oakland
This is a very tough call. Both teams exceeding expectations. Da Bears have won five straight and are pretty good against the run.

Washington at Seattle
I would hate to be a Redskins fan even more than I’d hate to be a Colts fan right now. Truly inept.

Denver at San Diego
Normally, this would be a no-brainer, but the Chargers have been unbelievably shite lately, as has Rivers. Still, fuck Tebow.

New England at Philadelphia
Witness one of the few times I’d actually root for the Patriots. Any time the dog-torturer’s team loses is a good time.

Pittsburgh at Kansas City
In the battle of “who gives a shit”, the date rapist will probably win.

NY Giants at New Orleans
Giving this one to Brees and Colston. The famous Giants inconsistency reared its ugly head again last week.

20 Nov 2011

NFL Week 11 Picks

Had no time/forgot to do my picks AGAIN last week! No excuses.

Two weeks ago: 9-5, Season cumulative: 60-41, Season average: 9-6

(Winners in bold)

NY Jets at Denver
This game already occured but, with true integrity, I can honestly say I would’ve picked the Jets. Fucking hell, Rexy...sort it out!

Tampa Bay at Green Bay
Okay, this is starting to piss me off. SOMEbody has to beat the overrated Packers! It just won’t be the Bucs.

Carolina at Detroit
This is gonna be a high-scoring game as both teams have powerful Os and terrible Ds. Home-field advantage tells me the Lions’ll take it.

Jacksonville at Cleveland
Holy shit, do the Jags suck or what? I’m calling it that Clevland snaps a three-game losing streak right here.

Oakland at Minnesota
Do the Vikes suck even more than the Jags? Possibly. AP will get big numbers tonight but will still lose.

Buffalo at Miami
Yes I know the Dolphins have won two on the bounce and Buffalo have lost four of the last five. The Bills should still take this.

Dallas at Washington
Expect Princess and the Cowgirls to take this against a Redskins team that defines the term “woeful”.

Cincinnati at Baltimore
Ravens to eke out a win against an impressive Bengals team. The two Rays to kick some ass.

Arizona at San Francisco
The 49ers seem to be the genuine article this year (compared to other early-season surprise packages like Detroit and Buffalo who’ve since gone off the boil). The Cards are much better than their record suggests, but I can’t see them beating San Fran.

Seattle at St. Louis
The battle of the shite. The green shite should take this one.

Tennessee at Atlanta
Two teams with identical records, yet the Titans suck (Chris Johnson should give some of his earnings back), while White, Ryan and Atlanta are awesome. Go figure.

San Diego at Chicago
Well, well, San Diego. What. The. Fuck. Chicago have one four in a row, while the Chargers have lost four in a row. ‘Nuff said.

Philadelphia at NY Giants
I’m so glad the dog-torturer had one of his worst games ever last week. I’m also glad that Eli’s beginning to show consistency again.

Kansas City at New England
Um. Yeah.

13 Nov 2011

I'd rather take Archie, at this point...

A perfect summary of the Washington Redskins in 2011:

"I take my fan loyalty seriously, but the worthless Washington Redskins are pushing my F-ing limits. I am not about to jump ship, but I am also becoming increasingly convinced I will never get to root for a winner. I can see exactly what is going to happen to the Redskins over the next six months. We will finish the year 4-12 or 5-11 good enough for the 5th-10th pick. Indianapolis is going 0-16 and will get the number one pick. They will Draft Andrew Luck and put Peyton on the trading block. Hearing that he has the chance to grab a upper 30s QB who has had three neck surgeries in two years, Dan Snyder will immediately offer three first-round draft picks, two second rounders and Brian Orakpo for Peyton. Followed closely by Peyton only playing part of next season, getting hurt and then retiring. Leaving the Redskins with NO good draft picks for three years and a $90 million contract that we will of course agree to pay all of. FUCK MY LIFE! This is bullshit.
— Brian O., Washington"

(via Grantland. Original post here)

10 Nov 2011

Poppies! Poppies will put them to sleep...sleeeep...now they'll sleeeeeeeep....!

RE the furore regarding FIFA's decision to not allow the England football team to wear poppies on their shirts in the upcoming friendly against Spain at Wembley:

(via The Guardian)

"(Prime Minister David) Cameron then declared his intention to write an angry letter to Fifa, demanding that England's footballers be allowed to show their respect for all those who have lost their lives in conflict in places like Afghanistan by sporting a symbol of the Islamic republic's lucrative heroin export trade"


"At the time of writing, two bozos from the English Defence League, an organisation not renowned for it's tight grasp on the concept of irony, had muscled in on the farce by clambering up on the roof of Fifa HQ in Zurich to selflessly protest on behalf of those left with no voice as a result of being too dead from fighting against the kind of people who espouse similar views to supporters of the English Defence League. Remembrance of the war dead doesn't get more dignified - well done football, well done."

6 Nov 2011

NFL Week 9 Picks

Had no time/forgot to do picks last weekend. Was in the pub watching Tottenham v QPR before the opening game (Vikes/Carolina) and didn’t remember ‘til mid-way through the second quarter!


Two weeks ago: 9-4, Season cumulative: 51-36, Season average: 9-6

(Winners in bold)

Miami at Kansas City
Could Miami get any worse? Probably not. Reggie is keeping up the fine tradition of all people with the last name of “Bush” being a total waste of space. Also, KC are showing signs of life after a dismal start to this campaign

Atlanta at Indianapolis
No reason to think the Colts will get their first win this week

Tampa Bay at New Orleans
After an explicable loss last week to the up-to-then-winless Rams, look for the Saints to bounce back and beat a crappy Tampa Bay team whose 4-3 record belies their general ineptitude

NY Jets at Buffalo
Big, big game for the Jets. If they can beat this year’s surprise package (along with the 49ers), their playoff hopes should be on the right track

Seattle at Dallas
Is picking Seattle considered controversial? I don’t think it is

Cleveland at Houston
Though my policy is to never pick the Texans to lose, I love it during weeks when I know they won’t

San Francisco at Washington
Ha ha! Still laughing at the fact that Grossman got benched! Also, Frank Gore is a BEAST this year

Cincinnati at Tennessee
Biggest “I don’t care what happens” game of the week. Um, Cincinnati look pretty good this year and, as a former Houston Oilers fan, I hate the Titans

Denver at Oakland
Is it wrong to hope that the notoriously-violent Raiders beat up on that evangelist, Tebow?

NY Giants at New England
Hmmm, both teams are 5-2, NY are on a win streak, but the Pats just lost...but the Pats are at home and Eli is notoriously inconsistent. Tough call. Am going with Brady’s hair

St. Louis at Arizona
C’mon, Cards!! I pick you every week and almost every week you let me down! Kolb and Fitzgerald, do your effing jobs!

Green Bay at San Diego
Looking for Green Bay’s first loss? Look no further

Baltimore at Pittsburgh
One of my favorite teams against the date rapist. Look for the Ravens, and Rice in particular, to beat up on the Steelers just like they did in week one

Chicago at Philadelphia
Despite their records (4-3 and 3-4, respectively), Chicago haven’t truly impressed this season, while Philly have flattered to deceive. Look for McCoy and Jackson to have big games

23 Oct 2011

NFL Week 7 Picks

Last week: 9-4, Season cumulative: 42-32, Season average: 8-6

(Winners in bold)

Running late...on the way to Wembley for the Bears/Bucs!! No time for commentary...

San Diego at NY Jets
Chicago at Tampa Bay
Washington at Carolina
Atlanta at Detroit
Seattle at Cleveland
Denver at Miami
Houston at Tennessee
Kansas City at Oakland
Pittsburgh at Arizona
Green Bay at Minnesota
St. Louis at Dallas
Indianapolis at New Orleans
Baltimore at Jacksonville

16 Oct 2011

NFL Week 6 Picks

Last week: 6-7, Season cumulative: 33-28, Season average: 8-7

(Winners in bold)

San Francisco at Detroit
Very impressive offensive display by the 49ers last week and Alex Smith is no joke this year. However, the bigger surprise and most impressive team this year is the Lions. Detroit takes this one.

St. Louis at Green Bay
Mark my words, the overrated green bay will slip up this season...it just won’t be this week.

Carolina at Atlanta
I’m going with Cam and the boys to easily beat a disappointing Falcons team.

Indianapolis at Cincinnati
Jesus, Indy are rubbish and the Bengals have quietly turned into a contender this year and are at home.

Buffalo at NY Giants
Probably the toughest call of the week. the Jekyll-and-Hyde-like Giants could clobber the Bills on their day. Gonna stick my neck out and go with Eli.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
Pitt starting to show signs of life. Jax continuing to show how useless they are.

Philadelphia at Washington
It can’t get any worse for Philly, can it? I think the losing streak stops here. I also believe the ‘Skins have flattered to deceive this season.

Houston at Baltimore
We need to bounce back after the Al Davis-inspired loss last week. we couldn’t have asked for a tougher game in which to do it, though.

Cleveland at Oakland
If they can beat us, they sure as shit can whip the Browns. Campbell and McFadden should run riot this week.

Dallas at New England
New England look better this season than they have in a few years and should comfortably win. Not to worry, though, if the Cowgirls get the lead...Romo will surely once again find a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory...

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
I just dislike Tampa Bay so much...I never used to when they had bright orange-and-white uniforms and the picture of the moutachioed & goateed buccaneer on the sides of their helmets, but I digress. Brees and Colston to get big numbers.

Minnesota at Chicago
Which Minnesota will show up this week? Last week’s titans of the week before’s wiener’s? i’m betting that in either case, Da Bears will prove to strong for them.

Miami at NY Jets
Rexy’s boys will take all of last week’s frustration out on the shite that is known as this year’s ‘Fins.