Misleading Titles, Ahoy!

The following snippet from www.ultraculture.co.uk's review of the Jodie Foster-directed, Mel Gibson-starring The Beaver made me literally laugh out loud:

Given that first-time screenwriter Kyle Killen could have made the ‘prescription puppet’ that Mel Gibson communicates through for most of the movie any animal whatsoever, I naturally assumed that he’d chosen a beaver to give himself some reliable genitalia-based humour to fall back on when times got tough. But inexplicably, not once in the entire movie does anyone score into this massive, perpetually-open goal.

It’s like if Ed Balls and Brian Cox drove off a dyke into a muff warehouse and The Sun went with the headline ‘MP and Physicist Cross Levee Into Handwarmer Depository’.

Read the full review here.

The A-Z of My Favorite Movies

All About Eve
In my top five movies of all time.

Braveheart
I prefer not to think about Mel's recent transgressions and instead focus on this historically inaccurate but eminently re-watchable epic.

Clockwork Orange, A
Kubrick's best film, which is no small boast.

Do the Right Thing
Still Spike's best movie.

Elephant Man, The
Hopkins is every bit as good as Hurt in possibly the only movie I know that I find difficult to watch. So upsetting, but so very, very good.

Fly, The
Featuring what I believe to be one of the best acting performances by anyone, ever. Take a bow, Jeff.

GoodFellas
The best movie ever made. Period.

Hannah and Her Sisters
My joint-favorite Woody Allen movie.

It's a Wonderful Life
To say it's just the best Xmas movie of all time would still be doing it an injustice.

Jackie Brown
Criminally underrated Tarantino masterpiece.

King of Comedy, The
For me, DeNiro is every bit as good here as he was in Raging Bull. His joint best performance ever.

L.A. Confidential
Every single line of dialogue in this masterful film means something. Pay attention.

Manhattan
My other favorite Woody Allen

Nightmare Before Xmas, The
My favorite Disney movie ever. After Toy Story, that is.

Oldboy
Three words: Best. Ending. Ever.

Pulp Fiction
Tarantino's best...changed the face of movies.

Queen, The
Best movie I could think of that started with a Q.

Raging Bull
One of the most beautiful and harrowing films of all time. THIS is why DeNiro is known as the greatest actor of his generation.

Scarface
Nothing more can be said about this masterwork that hasn't already been said.

Twelve Angry Men
Remarkable script and remarkable acting from all 12 jurors.

Unbreakable
M. Night's best, by far, and a brilliantly original film.

Volver
Not Almodovar's best, but better than most movies released in '06.

Wizard of Oz, The
Is there a more perfect family film than this? Timeless.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Is it wrong that I really, really like this movie and prefer it to all the others in the series?

Year of the Dragon
Good thriller from a time when Mickey Rourke looked normal. And cool.

Zulu
A film that made Michael Caine a star, and proved he could do non-Michael Caine accents!

Game Change

Just finished the book Game Change: Obama and the Clintons, McCain and Palin, and the Race of a Lifetime by John Heilemann and Mark Halperin. It's about the 2008 U.S. presidential race. Both Heliemann and Halperin have extensive inside knowledge about the campaigns and. apparently, have many inside sources.

Their information seems factual to me, with only a very small amount of supposition/conjecture. Of course, you'll need to read the book yourself to determine how much you believe.

What I can say is that it's a very entertaining, very informative inside look at political campaigns, how they work, what they involve and how they're managed.

While it doesn't reveal any huge surprises (who doesn't already know that McCain has a temper, Biden is prone to gaffes, Palin's stupid, Hillary is controlling excpet when it comes to Bill and Obama is a little green) it does provide a surprising amount of anecdotal evidence to support the preconceptions and manages to portray all of the involved parties as having many flaws while simultaneously making the reader sympathise with their plight/the pressures (and yes, I'm even including Palin...at times!).

Recommended.

Charlie Brooker Is Awesome

Charlie Brooker, ultimate "The Wire" fan, presenter of, among other things, "How TV Ruined Your Life" and "The 10 O'Clock Show", and leading columnist for The Guardian (best newspaper in the UK) wrote the following article for today's Guardian about world-famous music stars performing for third-world despots for cash.

I blog about this, because CB is hugely funny and entertaining and the following passage is genius:

Another famous star who reportedly performed for the Gaddafis is notorious pussy 50 Cent, the crybaby pant-shitting wuss whom I could definitely have in a fight. (Did you know his real name is Fifi Millicent? Don't tell him I told you, because he's terribly sensitive about it, and weeps huge cowardly tears out of his gutless baby eyes whenever it's mentioned. Also, he was born a girl.)

Rest of the article below, original link here.

A huge source of frustration for any performing artist is that you can't choose your fans. And the more popular you get, the more likely it is you'll attract people you can't stand. Kurt Cobain so disliked the uncool non-underground types who began showing up at Nirvana gigs after the release of their debut album Bleach that he wrote the song In Bloom, which attacks an unnamed moronic jock type who dares to enjoy Nirvana's music: "He's the one who likes all our pretty songs," goes the chorus. "And he likes to sing along, and he likes to shoot his gun – but he knows not what it means."
Yeah! Take that, you mainstream douche bags! Feeling pretty stupid now, huh?

Well, no. They weren't. Partly because they knew not what it meant, but largely because Cobain foolishly gave the song a catchy melody, and then compounded this error by including it on an album of other catchy melodies called Nevermind, which became such a massive mainstream success that he never truly lived it down, at least in his own head. And it soon turned out the despised jock fan wasn't the only one prone to discharging the occasional firearm.

Still, if Cobain was tortured by the presence of the occasional macho numbskull at his gigs, imagine how awful he'd feel if he looked out and saw a member of the Gaddafi dynasty moshing to Smells Like Teen Spirit. Chances are he'd have beaten himself to death with his own guitar right there and then.
But many of the planet's current pop stars are clearly made of sterner stuff. They're so unconcerned about the suitability of their fans, they'll put on a private show for the Gaddafi clan at the drop of a hat. A hat full of money.

Now the blood's started flowing they're getting contrite about the whole thing. First Nelly Furtado outed herself, announcing on Twitter that in 2007 she'd been given $1m to perform for the Gaddafis, and was now donating the sum to charity.

Other stars who attended Gaddafi dynasty parties include Mariah Carey, Usher, Lionel Richie, and Jay-Z – who, thanks to the bad publicity, now has 100 problems.

Mr Z's wife, Beyoncé, reportedly received $2m to perform at a New Year party thrown by Hannibal Gaddafi, but subsequently gave the money to Haiti. "Once it became known that the third-party promoter was linked to the Gaddafi family, the decision was made to put that payment to a good cause," said her publicist. Fair enough. She probably didn't realise the Gaddafis were behind the bash, although her husband reportedly attended an identical party at the same venue the previous year – at which, it is claimed, Mariah Carey sang four songs in exchange for $1m. The Gaddafi link was exposed in the press at the time, but only in small-circulation newspapers such as the Sun, so it's fair to assume Beyoncé's advisers had no idea where the cash was coming from.

Libya would be a good growth market for Beyoncé, incidentally, as, thanks to the Gaddafi regime, it now contains far more Single Ladies than it used to.

Another famous star who reportedly performed for the Gaddafis is notorious pussy 50 Cent, the crybaby pant-shitting wuss whom I could definitely have in a fight. (Did you know his real name is Fifi Millicent? Don't tell him I told you, because he's terribly sensitive about it, and weeps huge cowardly tears out of his gutless baby eyes whenever it's mentioned. Also, he was born a girl.)

Fifi was paid an undisclosed sum to sing and dance like a fey little puppet in front of Mutassim Gaddafi at the 2005 Venice film festival. But while the other stars have been embarrassed by their (possibly unintentional) connection to a despotic regime, Fifi seems to have used his as the inspiration for a startlingly violent video game called 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand, released on the PS3 and Xbox 360 in 2009.

The game opens with Fifi Millicent performing a gig in an unnamed war-torn Middle Eastern country, in exchange for a $10m fee. When the mysterious promoter shows signs of not coughing up the money, Fifi and chums storm backstage, call him a "motherfucker" and shove a shotgun in his face. Terrified, he hands them a priceless Damien Hirst-style diamond-encrusted skull. Fiddy and co then bravely head for the airport in their armoured Hummers, only to be ambushed by armed insurgents. During the gunfire and confusion, a sexy woman appears from nowhere and steals the precious skull. "Bitch took my skull," whines Fifi, before embarking on an awesome odyssey of violence across the troubled Arabic nation, shooting and murdering anyone who gets in his way.

Who'd have thought someone like 50 Cent could lend his name to something so crass and stupid? It's almost as if he's an idiot. Still, perhaps openly embracing the despotic crossover in a video game is the way forward. How long before we see a game called Gaddafi Hero, in which you perform a series of upbeat numbers for Middle Eastern tyrants by pushing coloured buttons on a plastic guitar in time to the beat, while trying to drown out the nagging voice of your own conscience and the furious chants of the oppressed?

Suggested tracklisting: While My Qatar Gently Weeps; Gimme Gimme Gimme Oman After Midnight; Insane in the Bahrain; Here Comes Yemen; and 50 Ways To Libya Lover. Recommended retail price? $2m and counting.

Oscar Predictions

Here's my Oscar list, with who I WANT to win and who I think WILL win in the major categories. This list is based purely on who has been nominated, rather that who I would REALLY want to win (otherwise I would put The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo as the film I WANT to win Best Picture). Also, forgive the lack of visually-stimulating text...am writing this from my phone as it's been 8 days since we moved into the new house and I still have no fucking internet for another four days.

Best Picture
Want: Toy Story 3
Will: The King's Speech

Best Director
Want: Tom Hooper (The King's Speech)
Will: David Fincher (The Social Network)

Best Actress
Want: Natalie Portman (Black Swan)
Will: Natalie Portman (Black Swan)

Best Actor
Want: James Franco (127 Hours) or Colin Firth (The King's Speech) - can't make up my mind...
Will: Colin Firth (The King's Speech)

Best Supporting Actress
Want: Melissa Leo (The Fighter)
Will: Melissa Leo (The Fighter)

Best Supporting Actor
Want: Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech)
Will: Christian Bale (The Fighter)

Best Animated Feature
Want: Toy Story 3
Will: Toy Story 3

Best Adapted Screenplay
Want: The Social Network
Will: The Social Network

Best Original Screenplay
Want: Inception
Will: The King's Speech

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The Best Of Everything (Tech Edition)

A blog post by my good friend Cam in which he mentioned some of his favorite tech, er, things,  inspired me to write what I consider to be the best of everything techie...

Best Phone: HTC Desire HD. See my original post here

Best Phone Operating System: Google's Android. Again here

Best Non-Game App: FaceTime (iPhone 4). Full Skype-like capability on your phone. Even though it's limited at the moment (you can only FaceTime with other iPhone 4 users), it's still a game changer in the world of apps

Best Game App: Angry Birds. The best, most fun and most addictive game out there...so much so, that PS3/360 versions are in the works. Sorry, Blackberry and Windows Phone 7 users, you're not at the party!

Best Video Games System: Nintendo Wii. Love the Sony PS3 and the Microsoft XBOX 360 is also very good (but will ALWAYS lose to the PS3 due to lack of built-in Blu-Ray), but for sheer all-round fun that appeals to ALL ages, nothing can yet beat the Wii

Best Video Game: Guitar Hero/Rock Band series. Probably most responsible (okay, okay, along with Wii Sports) for the transformation of the Video Games System from kid/nerd-centric time waster to dinner-party-replacing social entertainment must-have for grown ups

Best Laptop: Apple MacBook Air. I don't personally own one and have a VAIO (that is awesome, btw) myself. However, I've used one and for portability (which is what laptops were invented for), aesthetics, ease of use, hardware and software, this can't be beaten

Best Computer Operating System: Microsoft Windows 7. Though it's catching up, in terms of pure functionality, MAC OS X Snow Leopard still doesn't compare to Windows' best. W7 takes the best features of Vista (which, for my money, were ample) and leaves the worst (which were also ample)

Best Media Player: VLC (VideoLAN). If you download movies from places other than "official" channels such as iTunes (which I, of course, would NEVER do), then there is simply no substitute. Able to play literally ANY video or music file, this beats the piss out of both Windows' and Quicktime's Media Players

Best Web Browser: Google Chrome. Mozilla's Firefox was once cutting-edge (such as the ground-breaking tabbed browsing). Now everything it offers is bettered by both Microsoft Internet Explorer 8 (never mind 9!) and Chrome

Best Tablet: iPad...for now. By the end of this year I'm sure I'll be able to properly answer this

Best MP3 Player: None. Seriously, with smartphones now able to do everything the best iPod/Zune can do, who the fuck even HAS an MP3 player anymore?

Best TV: Sony Bravia LEDs. Though I just bought a brand-new 42" LG LCD (which, with it's 200Hz refresh rate, built-in Internet and multitude of connections is the best TV I've ever owned), even I know that nobody makes TVs with the quality, lastability and functionality of Sony...I just couldn't afford one with the specs I wanted! Note: I don't include 3D here, as I believe it's silly

Best Way to Watch Movies/TV: HDD/Internet TV. Seriously, if you still watch DVDs or Blu-Ray Discs, you lose. If your TV doesn't have built-in Internet or USB inputs for direct hard-drive connectivity (shit, at least hook your laptop/PC up to it, via HDMI, of course), well, you're just letting the best in life pass you by...

Okay, So THIS Is Why I Always Loved NFL More Than Baseball

You can't argue with this logic...

The Greatest Example of Album Cover Art. Ever

There is no better album cover than this:

...and, as a special bonus, the Absolut Vodka homage (can you see the bottle?):

I Forgot Two

*So I forgot about these two shows when I posted my "(Current) TV Shows You Should Be Watching. Right. Now." yesterday...oops!

19. Sherlock - perhaps the finest iteration of this oft-adapted literary character. Benedict Cumberbatch (really?) excels as the titular sleuth, while Martin Freeman (Tim!) brings unexpected depth to the Iraq-war-vet Dr. Watson.

20. The Walking Dead - zombies, but taken seriously. What with this, Shaun of the Dead, The Crazies, 28 Weeks Later (better than "Days", for me), the Dawn of the Dead remake, etc., the zombie genre has literally never had it so good.

(Current) TV Shows You Should Be Watching. Right. Now.

*Most of these shows are available on TV channels on both sides of the Atlantic. For the ones that aren't, though, it's called "the internet", people. I mean, c'mon, now.

1. Mad Men - The best show currently on television and possibly (it's only real challenger being The Wire) the best TV show ever made. It's a work of art...a true work of art.

2. Breaking Bad - it makes no sense that, despite the intriguing story (boring chemistry teacher gets cancer, starts to cook crystal meth, gets involved with Mexican mafia in New Mexico), this show is so fucking excellent.

3. Real Time with Bill Maher - no pretense at being balanced here. If you're a Democrat, left-leaning and/or a liberal, you'll love it. If you're not, you suck.

4. The Apprentice (UK version) - as reality competition shows go, this is the best. Lord Alan Sugar is so much more entertaining and smart than Donald Dumbfuck could ever be. And because we're grown-ups in Europe, we allow full-on swearing, etc. on regular TV channels after 2100, so it has more edge.

5. Survivor - another consistently good reality competition show. Despite the repetitiveness of the conceit, strangely never gets boring. And Russell rules.

6. Modern Family - easily the funniest network-TV U.S. sitcom. Owes a huge debt to The Office (UK).

7. Curb Your Enthusiasm - easily the funniest sitcom. Period. Owes a huge debt to The Office (UK)...which owes a huge debt to Larry David. Chicken and egg, see?

8. Justified - modern-day Western based on an Elmore Leonard (Jackie Brown, Out of Sight, Get Shorty) short story. Timothy Olyphant = most badass chracter on TV.

9. True Blood - just simply trashy fun. Vampirey, bloody, sexy, nudie, violent-y, funny, scary fun.

10. Glee - the musical numbers alone are the reason this makes the list...'cause it ain't anything else about it.

11. Archer - easily the funniest cable-TV sitcom. Owes a huge debt to, well, I don't know, actually. Animated spy hijinks. Adults only.

12. Friday Night Lights - ostensibly about high-school (American) football, but oh, it's so much more than that. Some of the best acting on TV.

13. America's Next Top Model - I have no real reason WHY you should be watching this except for "TYRA MAIL!" and "Two beautiful girls stand before me, but I only have one photo and this photo represents the girl who's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model."

14. The Trip - Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon. Two comedic geniuses. Consistently brilliant.

15. The Office (US version) - though it's kind of fashionable to hate on this right now and proclaim it to be not as good as it once was, it's still hilarious and the haters can suck it.

16. 10 O'Clock Live - a kind of British "The Daily Show" and "Real Time with Bill Maher" in one, with the awesome Charlie Brooker and the slightly less awesome David Mitchell, Lauren Laverne and Jimmy Carr.

17. The Rachel Maddow Show - though you may not agree with her politics, you can't say she isn't completely fair (unlike Olbermann, Maher, etc.). Possibly the smartest person on TV.

18. The Daily Show - though it's been said before, it's still pretty amazing to think that in order to get "un-spun" news, you have to watch Comedy Central.