In the file marked "too good not to share", from The Guardian's weekday (proper) football newsletter, The Fiver, RE this weekend's game between rivals West Ham United and Millwall:
"There's also the better nature of Joseph Bloggs, an almost entirely imaginary phenomenon to which Millwall's American chairman John Berylson has made an endearingly naive appeal. "I can assure you that in the States there are sporting rivalries which are equally fierce, intense, passionate or however you want to call it," he said of those infamous under-12 Spelling Bees that are periodically the subject of a documentary on More 4, involving uber-wedgies and extended debates over whether the word 'Lolz' is even in the dictionary. "What characterises them is ... sharp wit and humour. I wonder whether now isn't the time for us to take the lead in moving our relationship with our East End neighbours on to a new, more mature footing."
Good luck with that, pal! When that fails, and if there is trouble tomorrow, they can just start the next match at 8am, when most wrong'uns are in the midst of a tanking comedown and/or losing a battle of wills with Armitage Shanks, after failing miserably to pace themselves, a proud Englishman to the last retch."